May 27, 2010 by June:Wow
We used to use firewood but now we use gas, so if people still want to be old-fashioned and use firewood, I don’t know what to say
Expelled MIC Youth deputy chief V Mugilan said he would launch a mass movement called GAS (Gerakan Anti-Samy Vellu) to campaign against the long-time party president.
Category Malaysian Politics | Tags: | 3 Comments
May 22, 2010 by June:Wow
Most of us have been in situations where there are other people in the room with massive egos. In fact, people like that are described as “egotistical” which, when repeated rapidly, sounds like “egotesticle”, which in turn gives you an indication of the region of the male anatomy that best resembles them.
Egotesticles are also described as having “an inflated sense of self”. Whenever someone uses that expression, I imagine them looking like people in inflatable sumo suits. You know, the ones you get two of at christmas so that you and a mate can run at each other in the garden. Like these guys:
If you get lots of people with an inflated sense of self together in a room, you can expect the conversation to go nowhere because they are taking up all the space. They are getting bigger and bigger with each meaningless statement that comes out of their mouths. Bobbing at each other in whatever little space is left.
So what if you’re not like that, but you’re in a room with Sumo Suit? Well, here are your options:
1) You could be a prick and reduce them to a shrivelled up mess. This option is only safe if you are acting in self-defence. If you are out to offend, you cannot use this because it will mean you are also a Suit, and just as vulnerable. Very fine line between being a Suit and being a prick whose only objective is to get rid of the Suit. If you’re new to what I call “Suit Deterrents”, you may want to exhaust the other options first.
2) You could blow them away. This technique works in two ways:
i. Some guys are Suits because they know that some women are attracted to Suits and so they Suit up so you blow them. This type of blowing means you are blowing them away with your oral skills and also makes you a bit of a Suit because what you’re really doing is using skills you know have to get a guy you know you can get with said skills. It is one of the many ways one can be a Suit. But if you enjoy it, Suit yourself.
ii) Blowing them away with your honesty and kindness does not work. Suits do not want kindness. If they see kindness, they see a victim. They see someone who will worship them and be at their beck and call. The only way to be kind to a Suit is to be kind and then bugger off pronto. There is no other way. Most of the time when we are kind, we are attracting people to us. You do not want to attract a Suit. It will bob over, push you into a corner, and then you will be at its mercy.
How you react to a suit at first instance will dictate the rest of your life for as long as the Suit shall live. So be very careful the next time you meet a Suit.
Category Social, Socially Awkward Sue, The things we do | Tags: | 1 Comment
May 20, 2010 by June:Wow
I’ve often felt that the rain is like an orchestra. The guy up there controlling the rain and how it falls fancies himself a bit of a conductor i’m sure.
In fact, if you listen to classical music on an old record player, with the gentle crackling in the background, it is just like rain.
You must know what i’m talking about….sometimes the rain starts off slow, like soft violins, and then gets heavier, sometimes gradually, sometimes suddenly, like trumpets going off to announce the arrival of royalty, and then the noisy trumpets fade into faster violins with grade 5 danceability, and then on to a cute pizzicato interlaced with thunder to warn us that a big load of strings is coming up.
The rain is like a record that never gets old because it’s magically different every time you listen to it. The rain is your perfect lover because it’s interesting and varied. It comes and goes, leaving you with sunshine and time to do stuff other than get wet, and you know it will always return.
Unless you live in a drought zone in which case you should probably be more concerned with finding water rather than finding true love.
Category Relationship Advice, The things we do | Tags: | 1 Comment
May 13, 2010 by June:Wow
Looks like it’s asshole season:
A 59-year old chef in the Sichuan province of China passed out around the wrong group of friends, who decided it would be a great idea to insert a live eel measuring 50 cm in length into the man’s rectum. Let that sink in for a second. A group of friends, presumably too drunk to realize sea creature and anus are not supposed to go together, take a live eel (where they got it is anyone’s guess) and forcibly insert into the bowels of a man they considered to be a friend while he was passed out drunk.
Not content with resting comfortably with the man’s colon until he woke up, our friend the eel went to town on his bowels. Not surprisingly the man died, with medics stating that the eel literally “devoured his bowels.”
Category Experiences With Animals, Sodomy | Tags: | 1 Comment
May 12, 2010 by June:Wow
The Sibu By-Election is coming up. Sarawak CID Chief says he has given instructions to his men to arrest anyone from any political party driving around with loud speakers blaring to broadcast their campaigning statements. This is really clever of him, because obviously there is no risk of the perpetrators, oh I dunno, just speeding off?
Anyway, I am probably being unduly harsh, as his reason for being concerned is the risk of an increase in road accidents. Malaysian politicians can be so reckless, driving around, megaphone in one hand, steering wheel in other, shouting out campaign promises. How can they possibly drive safely like that? They should consider recording their material beforehand. Everybody knows that, in Malaysia, the only acceptable excuse for not having both hands on the wheel at all times is if you are marrying your underaged daughter off to a paedophile.
Of course, if you are a politician and you intend to abide by the law, you’re either going to have to admit defeat right now, or find a way around it, seeing as driving around with with loud speakers blaring heaps of lies is by far the most effective way of winning an election, when compared to options such as figuring out real issues faced by the constituents and implementing practical solutions.
That said, why not try collaborating with the guy who drives around collecting old newspapers? I can almost hear it: “Old news paper~ Old News paper~ Vote for B-N~ Suratkhabar lama~ Vote for B-N~”.
Category Newton Nukes the News, Police | Tags: | No Comments
May 10, 2010 by June:Wow
Sodomy II continues today.
11.20am: Karpal, referring to a Kuala Lumpur Hospital report, states that there were no signs of scarring or recent injury on Saiful.
Saiful: “I do not know. I cannot see my anus.”
I think it was the case of Malaysia v Bollocks which decided that the burden of proof shifts from the prosecution to the defence the moment it is established that the witness is not so flexible as to be able to see his own anus. So I guess both Anwar and Saiful are now screwed.
Category Newton Nukes the News | Tags: | No Comments
May 5, 2010 by June:Wow
All license plates to provide insight on personality of vehicle owner.
WPS = “We’ll Probably Shoot”
Category Police | Tags: | 1 Comment
May 4, 2010 by June:Wow
The Malaysian Anti-Corruption people say giving red packets, if the intention is to get someone to do something for you, amounts to corruption. Looks like they’re gonna be pretty busy. Everyone giving out red packets at Chinese New Year is trying to get the recipient to do something in return – to share in the joy of giving, for example.
But there is one comfort in these new “guidelines” (which, also “depend on the circumstances”, whatever that means). The next time some big shot turns up to launch your new perfume/open your new night club/christen your new Ferarri, and you want to give him a red packet to say “Thank you, can I also have that project in Sepang”, to get the MACC off your back, why not give a small souvenir instead, such as a bit of handicraft. You will then feel safe in the knowledge that handicrafts do not amount to corruption. Oh I dunno, maybe a little something like this:
Category Corruption, Newton Nukes the News | Tags: | No Comments
May 3, 2010 by June:Wow
me:Spending nights at yours has made me miss the company.
ex: Come over.
me: But spending nights with you for company is like the security guard on your street who keeps your mom feeling safe. It is a false sense of security.
ex: Hey, that security guard does a lot ok?
me: Oh yeah? You mean how he lets anyone in, is there when he feels like it, and isn’t most of the time?
ex: Actually, he’s not there anymore.
me: Well there you go. I think i’ve made my point.
(10 minutes)
ex: So come over already.
Category The things we do | Tags: | 1 Comment
by June:Wow
I struggle with a lot of things. Mathematics, Keynesian theory (ok, this is a lie, I don’t actually know what that means, but if I did, I’m sure I’d struggle with it), technology, fitting into stomach-holding-in panties, fitting into lacy stockings without ripping them, making custard that is the right consistency, consistency in general…
But one of the things I struggle with the most is socialising in groups. No, that doesn’t sound right. It sounds as if I’ve got various groups of people on call and I gather them up and we go off to socialise. That’s not what I mean at all.
What I mean, is when I have to socialise with other people, and there is a group of us. No, that doesn’t sound right either. That sounds like there are a few other individuals like me who have to go and socialise with other people, thus making us a group. If that were the case, we’d at least have something in common, and so that is not what I mean either.
So, third attempt at what I mean – what I mean is when there are other people….shit.
Ok , lets try again. WHAT I MEAN TO SAY…. is when there are a certain number of people in a certain place, none of whom I know, and most of whom know each other, and I have to go and sort of …mingle.
Phew. Ok, so it would appear that I also struggle with articulation.
I don’t have a problem with cliques. Ok, that’s a lie as well, I hate cliques. But seriously, I don’t have a problem with cliques behaving …clique-ishly. If a clique stuck to what it was supposed to do, i.e. hang around members of said clique, uninterested in meeting new/other people, we would get through life alright.
But there are some cliques who are always on the lookout for more members. And before you say I’m being harsh, these are not the sort of people who are interested in socialising in the “lets all get together and love one another even though you don’t wear Prada” sort of way. These are the sort of people who look out for members to recruit so they can expand their clique. They see a quality in you they think would make the clique look good, and they want to recruit you, notwithstanding your shortcomings, believing that, in time, you will be converted, and also bring a little something new to the group, so you can all go out in a GROUP believing yourselves to be better than everybody else (That’s the exact same approach that big companies take, so if you work in one, you need to get the hell out of there – unless you enjoy it, of course. Hey, I’m all about freedom of choice, and freedom of judgment, so I’m also gonna say you’re an idiot if you’re enjoying it.)
So I have been in situations where I’ve had to entertain cliques like these. Needless to say, we did not …click.
Now, i’ve always believed that there is no point moaning about something and not doing anything about it, so here are some topics of conversations that I have thought of for the next time I am in a situation of the clique variety:
1) (Starting with something light) I might discuss whether rabbits count sheep when they are unable to sleep.
2) Or whether female cows crave chocolate when they are PMS-ing/post break ups.
3) (And once they warm to me a little bit) Why Neil Armstrong didn’t take a bite when he was up there to find out whether the moon was actually made of cheese. And whether this was a massive waste of NASA’s time sending him up there seeing as all he did was have his photo taken and stick a flag on the moon (the very fact that he was able to do this gives us an indication of the composition of the moon. A very simple experiment we can conduct to show that Neil Armstrong is a jackass and that the moon is made of cheese is as follows: Is it possible to stick a toothpick into a block of cheese, and if it is, will the toothpick stay in place? If the answer is yes, then in all likelihood the moon would be made of cheese, and that in turn means that Neil Armstrong should have packed some crackers).
4) (Moving on to the animal kingdom) Whether it would take the same amount of time as the gestation period of an Elephant for a plastic chair wrapped in plastic to disintegrate, adding that the gestation period of an Elephant is the longest of any mammal (645days), comparing that to other animals such as the cat, whose gestation period is 58-65 days. And if they enquire further I might mention the Wapiti Elk who takes 240-250 days.
5) (And of course, a brain teaser – a friend of mine thought this one up) If the taxi meter keeps running from the moment you get on, indicating how much you have to pay based on how far you have gone forward, if the cabby drives in reverse in order to get to the destination, does that mean he would have to pay you? And if so, could we not fight for that as a choice in terms of method of arrival to destination?
Well, there you have it. If that doesn’t solve my problem with groups, I don’t know what will. Feel free to try some of those topics the next time you encounter a similar problem.
Category Social, Socially Awkward Sue | Tags: | No Comments