I recently attended the wedding of an old friend from my time in Singapore. It was very beautiful, and I was fortunate enough to be able to spend time with her and another former classmate, both of whom I have not seen in years. Connections were made or remade, and plenty of good times were had. I also encountered, in her local friends, something I always thought only existed in stories: The Bitch Pack. The experience was strange enough that I had to collect my thoughts on paper; this is my attempt to understand the sociological phenomenon.
Here is the context: Sarah the bride hired a villa for two nights to house the bridal party, Linn the former classmate and myself. Since Linn’s and my attendance were somewhat unexpected and expensive, we were not expected to pay her back for the room. This was made clear to everyone. As non-members of the bridal party, Linn and I were left to our own devices and therefore spent the whole day being babysat by three of Sarah’s male coursemates, hitherto referred to as the Boys. It was in their hotel room that we were given this news. When requesting a ride back to the villa to get our things, we were refused on the grounds that boyfriends were in the car and thus there was no space. This proved to be false.
More revelations were made: a rumour had been spread about Linn supposedly flirting with a Boyfriend. Sarah had returned to the villa to find Linn’s and my personal belongings scattered about the apartment and packed it all up herself whilst wearing her dress in between her wedding and the reception. The next morning, when I managed to pack my things, I found part of my laptop charger in the dustbin.
Those were the events. Linn and I simply stayed over with the Boys, who were extremely hospitable and respectful.
These are some inferred characteristics: Each girl is pretty, well dressed and made up, owns a Boyfriend (generally taller, rich and either very nice or not really) and interacts with the bright, glassy smile of a shark. Poker faces are built and maintained with varying degrees of success. Openness is weakness. Enemies are kept as allies just in case. Each girl will tear the rest apart for what she wants, and she generally wants power.
What would motivate a group of young, beautiful and intelligent girls to behave so maliciously? On television, it is easy to write off the Fictional Bitch Pack because they’re just villains. In real life, it must be more complicated.
Some theories were posited. The Boys were specimens of that rare breed, straight males in performing arts schools. The existence of Boyfriends did not seem to preclude a peculiar vying for the attention of said Boys. Thus, the first theory was that we Stole Their Boys and thus incurred their wrath.
As for rumours, Linn is a natural and immediately recognizable threat – tall, blonde, leggy, beautiful and above all, Scandinavian. These attributes combined with her being smart and funny make her a natural target for male attentions.
Perhaps the girls were simply hurt that Sarah showered us with affection, or that Linn was asked to sing at the reception. Maybe they really, really wanted to pay 20 AUD less for their share of the room, because spending our money on airfare was not an excuse. However, the vehemence with which they strove to exclude us led me to believe that there was something deeper there. There is quite a disconnect between being hurt and disobeying a bride on her wedding day.
I did not spend enough time with these people to fully observe their group dynamics, but it was clear that there were some strict hierarchies being observed. This was not something I ever experienced growing up. It reminded me of a quote from Bones. In this instance, Temperance Brennan, forensic anthropologist, speaks to a group of nine-year-old pageant participants who have become part of a Bitch Hierarchy. She says, “So yours is a cultural structure predicated in the equation of beauty with power. You instinctively align yourselves with someone who holds the greatest potential for a societal supremacy. It’s a Darwinian pressure you’re too young to bear.”
I remember a social psychology professor telling us that although attractive people have it easier (in terms of getting jobs and the like) they do not eventually report higher levels of happiness.
I still don’t understand why anyone would put themselves in such a group. I don’t actually know them at all, but I did not trust them. Clearly Sarah couldn’t trust her own bridesmaids, so it seems fairly likely that they cannot trust each other. How then does anyone build any sort of meaningful relationship? I can only imagine that fighting to climb to the top of a mountain of people lands you on a lonely peak atop some very unstable foundations. If you’re constantly playing a game, you’ll always be on your guard.
And if it is indeed a game, what is the goal? I cannot imagine what they were actually trying to achieve last weekend. It just resulted in bad reputations, some level of inconvenience to my person and this article. Could it come from a prioritization of attention from males? If so such an attitude is degrading to themselves and women everywhere. Is it a prioritization of popularity or status within school? It seems to me that some perspective is required so that a gargantuan amount of potential is not being wasted from day to day.
So I haven’t come to any conclusions. These are just things I want to believe to be true.
If a Bitch Pack is subjugating you, remember that status and power are given and not only taken. When dealing with a Bitch Pack, be calm, polite and aloof. They can only affect you if you let them, and if they do any actual damage, you can probably take legal action of some sort.
If you are somehow attached to a Bitch Pack but are not actually a mean girl, leave. Find people who you can trust and find your strength from them. Just as butterflies are not love, fun is not friendship. In all likelihood, these people will not be there when you need them, and you do not need the approval of those of whom you do not approve.
If you are a Bitch in a Bitch Pack, consider the following. Do not let your crippling fear and insecurity force you to treat other human beings as if they are lesser creatures. They are not. It is terrifying to trust that if you let yourself be vulnerable to other people you will be okay, especially if you are used to betraying trust. But you will be okay. You may get hurt from time to time but you will get through it. If you allow yourself to trust others, you will become trustworthy and find the good, genuine people that do exist. Just have some faith.
Seamus McTan is more talented than you. She is also younger. Which makes you an even bigger loser, obviously.
