Dear Papa,
How’s Kedah? I know you’ve been worried ever since I took over the business but I assure you I am as bad as I am ever going to be. I got it all under control. In fact, i’m actually writing to share some good news.
By now, if you’ve been following the reports on Bersih 3.0, you would have read all about how our crew were responsible for all the violence and damage in town – breaking the barricades, beating people up, throwing tear gas canisters back at the cops, overturning a cop car… everyone thinks we caused all the trouble, and that we’re the baddest there is in town! Business is booming!
I thought you might be interested in hearing about how we pulled the whole thing off, so here is an account of what happened that day:
As we were there to cause as much trouble as possible, we didn’t want to get caught before things got heated. So we fooled the cops and the press by giving out flowers before the rally. They thought we were hippies trying to create a happy environment; promote peace and understanding, and all that sort of stupid shit! We sure fooled them! HAHA!
As you can see, the gang and I were actually clad in the latest gangster garb. We were prepared for the shit to get heavy!*
*I told you I am well bad now, I got the lingo down to a T.
We parked ourselves as near to Dataran as we could, in front of the fountains facing the barricade. The whole area in front of us was already chock-a-block with people, and it was impossible to get through. I think some of those guys had gathered there from the night before.
Check out this video which shows exactly where we were, the number of people who were around us, and the sort of silly chants we were coming up with. Nobody even suspected we were bad ass undercover gangsters about to kick off! You would have been so proud.
We even got some guys in dressed as phantom voters to entertain the crowds. The people were laughing and in good spirits, many even wanted photos with them, we made it feel like Disneyland!
And I made sure we were fully prepared for any eventuality. I got these Brits in as reinforcements at the last minute because everyone knows the British are skilled in the art of colonising. The one on the left is an heir to the East India Trading Company and the one on the right is the product of Chin Peng’s relations with a British spy. Did I get the right people for the job or what?!
So this was all leading up to the mayhem. And you would have read all about how “a small group of people charged through the barricade and rushed the square causing others to follow.”
Actually, a lot of people (most of whom did not even attend the rally) have simply concluded that everybody who went to Bersih was responsible for one thing or another. They have linked us to political groups who want to take over; the home minister thinks we are responsible for all the damage in town; and even Ibrahim Ali has managed to link the event to a threat on malay rights!
But the truth is, we didn’t even do anything!
If anyone bothered checking any of the video footage that’s out there on the internet, they would’ve easily seen that it was near impossible for most people to even get NEAR the barricade. For us, it was because:
1) We were actually sitting a good distance from the barricade and the crowds prevented us from moving anywhere;
2) The police started shooting tear gas almost immediately after the barricade was broken; and
3) As we were getting away from the tear gas being fired in Dataran, we were ambushed from behind with more tear gas. (In the midst of escaping, one of our boys saw a guy in a yellow Bersih t-shirt taking a gas canister out of his backpack and throwing it on the ground. That shit was fucked up.)
But the fact that there are still people stupid enough to judge the many based on the actions of a few, shows that the level of stupidity in this country remains at an all time high! And that in turn means that we don’t even need to do ANYTHING in order to achieve notoriety!
Between you and me, and despite all the good this bad press is doing for the business, I just hope nobody ever finds out that we were actually SCARED when we were ambushed. Of course we were, that shit happened without warning. Everyone knows that if the police fire in front of you, they want you to move back. It makes no sense to fire in both directions to trap the crowd if you’re trying to get them to disperse, right? But I guess I made a mistake assuming our cops would play fair. They haven’t exactly got the best track record.
Anyway, I really hope no one took photos of us looking helpless, choking from the gas, throwing up in the back alleys. In between coughing fits, I saw that some of our boys were even bleeding from the head. The boys who had recovered were helping those who were falling over and handing out salt to everybody, the whole thing looked like a big hippy gathering of love.
That shit is bad for business.
At the last recruitment drive, we were a bit desperate and got some old people and children to join the gang (they’re cheaper). That was a big mistake because those guys got fucked up real quick by the gas.
To be fair though, there was A LOT OF GAS.
The good news is, it’ll take a while for the idiots in Malaysia to catch on. A lot of them will just believe everything they read in the papers/ see on TV. The less they see, the lower the chances of identifying the people who actually broke the barricade. There is already this video online which does a pretty good job of proving we had nothing to do with it:
Lucky for us though, the government is censoring most of the stuff as usual. Even foreign reports. Check out this video which shows how Astro censored a BBC report:
But those pesky bloggers and citizen journalists aren’t letting up. Apart from all the independent reports online, Twitterjaya is going apeshite.
It’s only a matter of time before the truth gets out, but we’re making the best of the situation. I’ll write again soon.
Much love,
June
